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scubatankfilledwithfarts“You little sunflower seed bonering motherfucker, don’t just ham sniff, you ain’t no goddamn dog, no, fuck come on, you’ve gotta have a bigger vocab than that! You little fucker…” Why exactly they were on a bus or how could be explained using big words and much to do about bitching pertaining to shitty missions via their ‘mother’ but at the present moment, Badou Nails was too captivated by the very engaging and impotent game of Ham Ham Heartbreak to explain for us, the audience. Not to mention there was no way anyone would get a straig- rather, a plain answer out of the man, what, with his erratic and dangerous teetering in his seat just so his arms and thumbs could catch up to those little hamster bastards [which, as most of what Badou does as a recreational activity, doesn’t make sense since those hamsters could barely run faster than your high school gym teacher after a suspicious Gatorade and donut break in the back equipment room, sweat and balls flying], tongue sticking from between his teeth in rapt concentration, the half assed dirty looks he shot the old lady next to him every time she slapped him on the arm with her purse; it was all a very intense process.
As was the fleeting and sobering embarrassment of the blonde next to him, who was gallant in his ignoring of the entire world and the gum stuck to his bottom in the sweaty and sweltering seat that smelled of urine, salami and skittles, as well as the young woman across from him who just couldn’t seem to help staring at his crotch, even as he shielded it with his bag [buttpurse, Badou had called it.
He received more than another hamchat and sunflower seeds after that heartwarming exchange in the form of a fist to the chest, making him accidentally tug the power button off and fuck up his game, to which Wolfram had to hear about it for half an hour after the damn deed was done and was this close to strangling the redhead with his own eye patch just to get him to shut the fuck up] and glanced decidedly away from the disconcerting display. [It was too much to understand those individual who cannot tear their eyes away from crotches, big or small, captured by jeans, slacks or sweats, stained or otherwise, and in this tolerable and turn the other cheek society we do not live in, the most one could do was to look to the left, cough, hold your crotch and carry on.
Unless they decided to take a handful, then all signs pointed in the scream like a Japanese school girl and punch him or her in the bald beaver direction] All was well with the sounds of the noisy muffler of the bus, the incessant chatter of the passengers and the snoring of a slumbering gentleman in the back, when Wolfram suddenly let out a squeak [more like a hiss he would later dictate whilst punching Badou’s stupid laughing face in the…face, a hiss of pain, not a squeak like a little mouse or a puss- don’t use that horrid word!], his cheeks flushing bright cherry red.
Badou of course hadn’t noticed, too enraptured in his game and pretty much deducing that if something was bothering his wondrously loving little brother the blonde would let his loud mouth do the talking and say as much or forever hold some cocks or something.
He dug the heel of his shoe into the shin of the little old scathing lady next to him one more time and just as she lifted her fake ass crocodile skin purse for the fateful blow Badou shifted, aiming his ass dangerously her way, and snarled, “About fuckin’ time Scat or Shit or whatever the fuck your name is, go get some pepto and stop trynna be a cock block!”
That was when he felt the tug on his sleeve, which was really throwing off his groove. “Look ol’ bag, I ain’t got no chex mix or trail mix or anything for you, that stuff tastes like rotten ass and goat ballsac and it’s only cuz you can’t shit that you chomp on it. Go hobble off across a street and getcher own, I suggest peddle pushing at the dollar general.” Badou proclaimed to the heavenly compartment of the bus with its questionable stains on the ceiling and ever present urine scent. But the tugging didn’t stop, and a growl accompanied the enchanting moment. “Badou!” It was soft and stern and for a moment, Badou actually tore his gaze from the gameboy, glanced at the glowering old hag beside him, then turned his eye to the ceiling.
“Jesus? You’re kinda late, we got celebs that can walk on water now.”
What he got for his trouble was a boney little elbow to the side and another hiss, “Now is not the time for religious epiphanies, fool!”
Badou outright laughed even as he wheezed, grinning at his companion.
“The day I get all religious is the day you can take me out back and shoot me, ol’ yeller style, remember that. I ain’t really looking forward to drowning in holy water and old lady ass sweat and bible thumping.” He finally, finally noticed Wolfram’s distress; the flickering, unnerved glances, the red cheeks, the furrowed brows, the bottom lip worried between his teeth, the scowl. That could only mean one thing.
“What, you gotta take a dump? Dude, I toldja to go before we left. I mean I guess if you ain’t shy you could still grab Myrtle or Glady’s purse or whatever the fuck this bitchs name is, and take a dump in it, all sly like,” Badou suggested innocently enough.
That earned him an elbow to the chest, knocking the wind, as well as some new fancy expletives out of him.
“The motherfuck was that for?! It’s your body, don’t get your ruptured asshole all over my problems!” Much pouting and muttering under his breath ensued until Wolfram finally heaved a sigh, figuring this was as good a time as any, and cut to the damn chase [about fucking time].
“Little big brother…how….do you tell someone that you can see their uh…well…parts.” Wolfram wouldn’t look at him, nope, at the ceiling, the little Asian doing one of those half pick half scratch nose motions in disguise of a hefty booger, the still glowering old lady next to Badou, the gum stain on the seat beside him that looked like a whale, anywhere but at his ‘brothers’ stupid face.
“What like, car parts? I didn’t think you knew what a car was…better not get you one or you’ll be like the rest of them women drivers out there….Anyhow, you uhhh, go tap her on the shoulder, try not to look like a goddamn rapist and tell her. Maybe bat your eyelashes an’ shit since you’re so cute.” Badou nodded to himself, best advice deemed dished out, and went back to his game.
Wolfram groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose between his delicate index finger and thumb.
“No you complete idiot…I mean her…that,“ He muttered beneath his breath, Oh Shinou, had he accidentally set his face on fire or something? How careless and dangerous and- oh…it was a blush. It was a good thing no one had noticed and he was such a goddamn great actor.
“Her….that? C’mon bro, did somebody’s break lines get cut or something? You gotta speak up about that shit, could even get you a reward! Or you could give the reward for me since you an Heine are like be eff effs in that whole pussy sailing thing.”
Badou scoffed and rocked in his seat, fingers tapping away at his game, and it seemed as though Wolfram would have to spill the co- beans. Taking a deep breath, screwing up his face into a scowl and delivering a stunning blow to Badou’s shoulder, he finally snarled,
“Her…lady parts you damn….” Of all the times for Badou to misunderstand something he claimed to be an expert in [in losing it, more than likely], it had to be right here, right now, really????
All but the normal sounds of the [wheels on the] bus filled the space of time and…well the sweaty compartment, the suspense was grating on Wolfram’s already frazzled nerves, second by second, tooth grinding against tooth [Do demons even have dental plans?], he opened his mouth to ground out a retort, swiveling his gaze towards Badou and he could slowly see it dawning on the other’s pale, freckled face.
Badou did what always made others cringe. He opened his mouth.
“Ooooohhh why the fuck didn’t you say so, Woofers?! All you gotta do is go I see London, I see France, I see your cooter, please be a peach and tuck your peach back in, (cause in some dumbass literature, peach meant giney, I dunno why the that is, unless it’s cause both have fuzz or whatever) you ain’t doing anyone any favors by flashing your produce down the aisle. Why?”
His beady little eye actually lifted from the game boy screen and peered around the bus, nose wrinkled in that constipated look-see way of his.
“Is someone’s giney showin’? Really? Ain’t that classy in this kinda place. And why didn’t you just say ‘I can see her cootchie, Badou-nii, desuuuu!’ Or clunge, or twat, or sometimes fanny, though I dunno how an ass is like a pussy-”
It goes without saying that not only did Badou and Wolfram never again take that Bus route again, Badou left that warm and fuzzy bonding experience with pieces of his game boy stuffed down his throat, a swollen face, and the perfect mold of the clasp from an old lady’s purse on his ass.
Wolfram unlocked the Embarrassed Hissy Fit achievement and overall felt pretty good about everything once Badou stopped screaming in agony and made him a sandwich.
As was the fleeting and sobering embarrassment of the blonde next to him, who was gallant in his ignoring of the entire world and the gum stuck to his bottom in the sweaty and sweltering seat that smelled of urine, salami and skittles, as well as the young woman across from him who just couldn’t seem to help staring at his crotch, even as he shielded it with his bag [buttpurse, Badou had called it.
He received more than another hamchat and sunflower seeds after that heartwarming exchange in the form of a fist to the chest, making him accidentally tug the power button off and fuck up his game, to which Wolfram had to hear about it for half an hour after the damn deed was done and was this close to strangling the redhead with his own eye patch just to get him to shut the fuck up] and glanced decidedly away from the disconcerting display. [It was too much to understand those individual who cannot tear their eyes away from crotches, big or small, captured by jeans, slacks or sweats, stained or otherwise, and in this tolerable and turn the other cheek society we do not live in, the most one could do was to look to the left, cough, hold your crotch and carry on.
Unless they decided to take a handful, then all signs pointed in the scream like a Japanese school girl and punch him or her in the bald beaver direction] All was well with the sounds of the noisy muffler of the bus, the incessant chatter of the passengers and the snoring of a slumbering gentleman in the back, when Wolfram suddenly let out a squeak [more like a hiss he would later dictate whilst punching Badou’s stupid laughing face in the…face, a hiss of pain, not a squeak like a little mouse or a puss- don’t use that horrid word!], his cheeks flushing bright cherry red.
Badou of course hadn’t noticed, too enraptured in his game and pretty much deducing that if something was bothering his wondrously loving little brother the blonde would let his loud mouth do the talking and say as much or forever hold some cocks or something.
He dug the heel of his shoe into the shin of the little old scathing lady next to him one more time and just as she lifted her fake ass crocodile skin purse for the fateful blow Badou shifted, aiming his ass dangerously her way, and snarled, “About fuckin’ time Scat or Shit or whatever the fuck your name is, go get some pepto and stop trynna be a cock block!”
That was when he felt the tug on his sleeve, which was really throwing off his groove. “Look ol’ bag, I ain’t got no chex mix or trail mix or anything for you, that stuff tastes like rotten ass and goat ballsac and it’s only cuz you can’t shit that you chomp on it. Go hobble off across a street and getcher own, I suggest peddle pushing at the dollar general.” Badou proclaimed to the heavenly compartment of the bus with its questionable stains on the ceiling and ever present urine scent. But the tugging didn’t stop, and a growl accompanied the enchanting moment. “Badou!” It was soft and stern and for a moment, Badou actually tore his gaze from the gameboy, glanced at the glowering old hag beside him, then turned his eye to the ceiling.
“Jesus? You’re kinda late, we got celebs that can walk on water now.”
What he got for his trouble was a boney little elbow to the side and another hiss, “Now is not the time for religious epiphanies, fool!”
Badou outright laughed even as he wheezed, grinning at his companion.
“The day I get all religious is the day you can take me out back and shoot me, ol’ yeller style, remember that. I ain’t really looking forward to drowning in holy water and old lady ass sweat and bible thumping.” He finally, finally noticed Wolfram’s distress; the flickering, unnerved glances, the red cheeks, the furrowed brows, the bottom lip worried between his teeth, the scowl. That could only mean one thing.
“What, you gotta take a dump? Dude, I toldja to go before we left. I mean I guess if you ain’t shy you could still grab Myrtle or Glady’s purse or whatever the fuck this bitchs name is, and take a dump in it, all sly like,” Badou suggested innocently enough.
That earned him an elbow to the chest, knocking the wind, as well as some new fancy expletives out of him.
“The motherfuck was that for?! It’s your body, don’t get your ruptured asshole all over my problems!” Much pouting and muttering under his breath ensued until Wolfram finally heaved a sigh, figuring this was as good a time as any, and cut to the damn chase [about fucking time].
“Little big brother…how….do you tell someone that you can see their uh…well…parts.” Wolfram wouldn’t look at him, nope, at the ceiling, the little Asian doing one of those half pick half scratch nose motions in disguise of a hefty booger, the still glowering old lady next to Badou, the gum stain on the seat beside him that looked like a whale, anywhere but at his ‘brothers’ stupid face.
“What like, car parts? I didn’t think you knew what a car was…better not get you one or you’ll be like the rest of them women drivers out there….Anyhow, you uhhh, go tap her on the shoulder, try not to look like a goddamn rapist and tell her. Maybe bat your eyelashes an’ shit since you’re so cute.” Badou nodded to himself, best advice deemed dished out, and went back to his game.
Wolfram groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose between his delicate index finger and thumb.
“No you complete idiot…I mean her…that,“ He muttered beneath his breath, Oh Shinou, had he accidentally set his face on fire or something? How careless and dangerous and- oh…it was a blush. It was a good thing no one had noticed and he was such a goddamn great actor.
“Her….that? C’mon bro, did somebody’s break lines get cut or something? You gotta speak up about that shit, could even get you a reward! Or you could give the reward for me since you an Heine are like be eff effs in that whole pussy sailing thing.”
Badou scoffed and rocked in his seat, fingers tapping away at his game, and it seemed as though Wolfram would have to spill the co- beans. Taking a deep breath, screwing up his face into a scowl and delivering a stunning blow to Badou’s shoulder, he finally snarled,
“Her…lady parts you damn….” Of all the times for Badou to misunderstand something he claimed to be an expert in [in losing it, more than likely], it had to be right here, right now, really????
All but the normal sounds of the [wheels on the] bus filled the space of time and…well the sweaty compartment, the suspense was grating on Wolfram’s already frazzled nerves, second by second, tooth grinding against tooth [Do demons even have dental plans?], he opened his mouth to ground out a retort, swiveling his gaze towards Badou and he could slowly see it dawning on the other’s pale, freckled face.
Badou did what always made others cringe. He opened his mouth.
“Ooooohhh why the fuck didn’t you say so, Woofers?! All you gotta do is go I see London, I see France, I see your cooter, please be a peach and tuck your peach back in, (cause in some dumbass literature, peach meant giney, I dunno why the that is, unless it’s cause both have fuzz or whatever) you ain’t doing anyone any favors by flashing your produce down the aisle. Why?”
His beady little eye actually lifted from the game boy screen and peered around the bus, nose wrinkled in that constipated look-see way of his.
“Is someone’s giney showin’? Really? Ain’t that classy in this kinda place. And why didn’t you just say ‘I can see her cootchie, Badou-nii, desuuuu!’ Or clunge, or twat, or sometimes fanny, though I dunno how an ass is like a pussy-”
It goes without saying that not only did Badou and Wolfram never again take that Bus route again, Badou left that warm and fuzzy bonding experience with pieces of his game boy stuffed down his throat, a swollen face, and the perfect mold of the clasp from an old lady’s purse on his ass.
Wolfram unlocked the Embarrassed Hissy Fit achievement and overall felt pretty good about everything once Badou stopped screaming in agony and made him a sandwich.
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